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LITTLE JOURNEYS 

TOWARDS 

PARIS 

I9I4-I918 

A Guide Book for Confirmed Tourists 



BY 

W. HOHENZOLLERN 

HON. COLONEL DEATH'S HEAD HUSSARS AND DOCTOR OF SACRED THEOLOGY 
(university OF ESSEN) 



Fourth Anniversary Edition 

Translated from the original German and adapted for 
the use of unteutored minds 

BY 

SIMEON STRUNSKY 

/I 

With map, 6 plans of towns, and numerous moral reflections 




NEW YORK 
HENRY HOLT AND COMPANY 
1918 



5* 



Copyright, 1918, 

BY 

Henry Holt and Company 



JUL 10 1918 
©CU488627 



TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE 

There are two very good reasons why the 
translator has undertaken the task of intro- 
ducing Col. Hohenzollern's little volume to 
the English-speaking public. 

1. The author's knowledge of his subject 
is unrivaled. It is enough to say that he 
has spent nearly four years traversing the 
distance from the German frontier to the 
terminus of the Nach Paris line. He has 
not only covered the ground minutely but has 
frequently retraced his steps, though modest- 
ly refraining from mentioning the fact in his 
daily communiques. 

2. All other guide-books to Paris exhibit 
a certain sameness, arising from the fact 
that they are written by tourists who started 
out for Paris and got there. Col. Hohen- 
zoUern's book, on the contrary, has all the 

iii 



TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE 

freshness of an unspoiled ideal. It breathes 
the spirit so admirably conveyed in the fa- 
miliar Pomeranian proverb, "Not yet but 
soon." Col. Hohenzollern does not burden 
the reader with a mass of superfluous detail. 
Thus, in his account of Paris and its envi- 
rons, he leaves ever so much to the imagina- 
tion. 

To the young and frivolous. Col. Hohen- 
zollern's tours may seem somewhat leisurely. 
Let them go their way. The present guide- 
book is intended for those to whom time and 
expense are no object. 

Such travelers will be more than amply 
repaid for the moderate price of this vol- 
ume. Under the guidance of Col. Hohen- 
zollern, who is himself under the special 
guidance of Gott (so aptly described by Mr. 
Treitschke as "the Thos. Cook and Son of 
the Imperial German family"), the tourist 
may reasonably expect to get to Paris in 
time for the International Exposition of 

i975> perhaps. 

iv 



AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION 

BY 

Col. W. Hohe:nzoi,i,e:rn. 

The brief notes which have gone to the 
making of the present volume were not orig- 
inally intended for the public eye. They 
were designed, rather, for the use of my 
successor when he starts out on his own 
little journey to Paris in 1939, for my grand- 
son in 1967, for my great-grandson in 1995, 
etc. So at least Ludendorff argues, but I 
have misgivings now and then. 

These impressions were jotted down at 
odd times and under conditions highly 
unfavorable to literary composition. My 
earliest memoranda were scribbled at night 
among the glowing embers of Louvain. 
Again, the lamentations of the Belgian 
women as they faced the firing squads at 



AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION 

Dinant will explain certain infelicities of 
style for which I beg the reader's indulgence. 

Nevertheless, as the work grew under my 
hands, I became convinced that there was a 
wider audience to which I might address my- 
self. There will always be a few small por- 
tions of the earth outside of the German 
Empire. In such regions little imperialisms 
are bound to arise. Sooner or later they will 
experience an irresistible desire to go tour- 
ing in their neighbor's territory. As in my 
own case, the passion for foreign travel will 
be intensified by the desire to escape from 
domestic worries — socialists, ballot reforms, 
tax-riots, maximilianhardens, und so weiter. 

Within its modest limits, the present vol- 
ume aims to cover the entire subject of a 
foreign tour undertaken for self-defense, for 
Gott, and for new coal fields. It offers a 
comprehensive account of all the problems 
that are likely to arise, from the publica- 
tion of the first edition of the White Book 
to the signing of a strong peace. 

vi 



AUTHOR^S INTRODUCTION 

Inasmuch as the matters dealt with are 
constantly undergoing alteration, the author 
would highly appreciate any corrections or 
additions with which travelers may favor 
him. For instance, at the moment of writ- 
ing, he would welcome any information as 
to what has become of the drive for Ypres, 
and where in the dickens that Amiens army 
of mine will spend the winter. 



Vll 



TABLE OF CONTENTS 

PAGE 

Translator's Preface iii 

Author's Introduction v 

Practical Hints 3 

Routes to Paris: 
Route i. From Liege to Paris by Way of 

the Mame, the Was, and the Ain't . . .15 
Excursion A. View of a Decadent Nation . 23 
Route 2. To Paris by Way of Japan, 

Mexico, and the U. S. A ..... 25 
Excursion B. Holy Willie's Prayer . . .35 
Route 3. To Calais and Paris by Way of 

Ypres and Poison Gas 37 

Route 4. To Paris by Way of Galicia, 

Warsaw, and Sukhomlinoff 41 

Route 5. To Paris by Way of the Lusitania 44 
Route 6. To Paris by Way of the Kolossal 

Kavem, also known as the German 

Mind 47 

Route 7. To Paris by Way of Verdun and 

the Krown Prince i8-hoiir Flivver ... 54 
Route 8. To Paris by Way of Brest- 

Litovsk (Trotzky Hot Air Line) ... 60 
Excursion C. Marching Through Russia . 66 

ix 



TABLE OP CONTENTS 

Routes to Paris — continued: page 

Route 9. To Paris by Way of the 7S-Mile 

Gun 68 

Route 10. To Paris by Zeppelin, Albatross, 

Gotha, Fokker, etc 68 

Route ii. To Paris by the P. P. P. P. 

(Peace Pigeon Parcel Post) 68 

Route 12. To Paris by Way of Amiens and 

Then Somme 69 

Excursion D. A Christian Carol .... 73 

Route 13. To Paris by Way of Gott . . 75 

Chronology 79 

Index 81 

Map of the German Mind ...... 49 

Town Plans: 

Paris 5 

London 18 

Washington, D. C 32 

Calais 39 

Verdun 57 

Moscow 71 



LITTLE JOURNEYS 
TOWARDS PARIS 



PRACTICAL HINTS 

Traveling Expenses. 

The cost of a trip to Paris from the Ger- 
man frontier has risen tremendously since 
1870, with no corresponding increase in 
comfort; the contrary rather. Two million 
dead and wounded a year is a fair estimate. 
A safe way is to decide in advance how 
much one is willing to spend, and then mul- 
tiply by one hundred. 

In general we may say that if one chooses 
to travel by express, to put up only at first- 
class fortresses, and to consume four solid 
formations a day, one must be prepared to 
pay accordingly. The French have a shrewd 
eye for business and they exact an unreason- 
able price for what they render. 

As usual in Continental travel, family 
touring is more expensive than traveling 

3 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

en gargon. Left to themselves, Hindenburg 
or Mackensen can manage on comparatively 
little. But whenever any members of the 
family are around, like the present writer at 
Nancy in September, 1914, or the Krown 
Prince at Verdun in 19 16, the expenditures 
mount prodigiously (200,000 to 500,000 
casualties). 

Extras in the form of tips and gratuities 
are unavoidable, and where first-class serv- 
ice is demanded, they come high. A Bolo 
Pasha may well run up into the millions. 
Bernstorfif's tips in the U. S. A. (one of the 
detours to Paris we shall describe) kept my 
minister of finance ceaselessly picking at the 
counterpane, as we say down in Silesia. 

Other incidentals, such as broken treaties, 
lies (both Kiihlmann and preferred), and 
riot and starvation at home, need not be em- 
phasized, since they involve no particular 
strain on the truly Imperialist conscience. 



PARIS 

(Note: The author not having had the advan- 
tage of studying the topography of Paris on the 
spot, the map below shows Paris as it ought to be 
rather than as it is.) 



Cross - vnd-nch Admiral 

_J y/on Tirpiiz. Fount-fin 






Biss 
Sub 



□UUUUD-'&J'lj 

□nnnnnnc 



— " — ir~if~~irinn i^nr 

ftldmarschall-i/nd' infanfet it^ ^LJ I 

GenerahDcfivery vorr^ ' » ' — ' crLn Pr/nd — ^ 

Hmt^ettburj \ \\ ) ;^ i Porcelain Collection 

w nnn RLinMr 



Half-way between the Imperial Equestrian Statue 
and the Gross-imd-net-Admiral von Tirpitz Foun- 
tain is the restaurant with the cold Imperial victuals 
that have been waiting since September 2, 1914. 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Climate. 

The salubrity of the French climate has 
been greatly exaggerated. Nor is there any '* 
distinction to be drawn between high and 
low altitudes. I have found the heights of 
Vimy and the swamps of St. Gond equally 
trying. Violent fluctuations of temperature 
must be expected in the river valleys; like- 
wise in the uplands, the forests, the brick- 
yards, the slag-heaps and the ruined chapels. 
On the Marne, September 5, 1914, the tem- 
perature changed abruptly from fair and 
warmer in the morning to violent chills and 
fever at night. 

Reading. 

Inasmuch as no literature is sold on the 
trains after departure, it is well for the tour- 
ist to lay in a stock in advance; especially 
as blockades and other tedious delays are 
very frequent on the Nach Paris line. Out 
of a virtually inexhaustible list of light fic- 
tion, we cite a few titles : 

6 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

"The German White Book," with notes 
omitted by Von Jagow and telegrams sup- 
pressed by Bethmann-Hollweg. 

Same, extra-illustrated edition, by Lich- 
nowsky. 

"Murderous Belgium," By the Ninety- 
three Professors. 

"Lusitania Shells." By Ernst Haeckel 
and other leading humorists. 

"Ten Thousand Reasons Why We Should 
Love Prussia." By Charles Hapsburg. 

Language. 

The modern French tongue is a corrupt 
form of an old Germanic dialect, having 
broken away from the Gothic typography in 
an insane desire to make itself legible. It 
lacks those fine grammatical distinctions of 
the German tongue which enable one to say, 
"The moon, he is in the sky," or "The young 
lady, it is playing the piano ; and a very fine 
piano he is." 

Nevertheless the Germanic traces in the 
7 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

modern French are very perceptible; as, 
"oui, oui" from "wie geht's" ; "donnez-moi'' 
from, "donnerwetter" ; ''liberte" from "leber- 
wurst''; ''egalite" from the famiHar German 
expression "Das ist mir egal"; "fraternite" 
from "Franziskaner-brau." 

The French have appropriated bodily such 
good old Teuton words as "cafe," "adieu," 
"au revoir," and "merci." The names of 
their great writers betray a Germanic origin, 
as Montaigne-Manteuffel, Corneille-Kuhnle, 
Moliere - Muller, Racine - Rosen, Sainte- 
Beuve-Seydlitz, Hugo-Ugo, and Anatole 
France-Anatol Deutsch. The French into- 
nation is pitched disagreeably high ; like the 
people which make use of it, it is virtually 
impossible to keep it down. 

Railways, Tickets, Baggage, Etc. 

The railways leading to Paris are com- 
fortable and well equipped, as far as they 
go. The terminal facilities, however, are 
very poor. The French army refuses to 

8 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

guarantee any connections and time-tables 
are subject to change without notice. Ger- 
man excursionists, therefore, would do well, 
in planning their itineraries, to allow for 
delays. Thus, for the regulation trip of 
three weeks from Cologne to Paris, a mar- 
gin of ten or twelve years is not excessive. 

Night travel is much to be preferred 
owing to the aeroplane signal-system em- 
ployed by the French and the carelessness 
of their aviators, who are addicted to drop- 
ping things on the locomotive. 

Food is not sold on the train but may 
easily be obtained from the nearest peasant 
house in exchange for a few incendiary 
bombs and a couple of firing platoons. Beer 
(French un bock, recently changed to un 
boche) is of poor quality, and should be used 
only when no private wine-cellars are avail- 
able. 

The so-called trains de luxe are not to be 
recommended. They have speed without 
control, and derailments are frequent. This 

9 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

is particularly true of the Metz-Verdun 
1 8-hour Krown Prince Flivver (popularly 
known as the Rough Diamond Express), the 
Von Kluck Katapult, and the Picardy 
Plunger. The French railway administra- 
tion allows no rebates for failure to arrive 
at destination. 

Fares, as intimated, in our Introduction, 
are extremely high. The details will be 
found further on in this volume under the 
separate Routes. The French army, con- 
trary to the usual custom, refuses to sell 
through tickets and insists on collecting 
fares while the train is under way. 

Return or circular tickets are obtained 
without difficulty in advance. The Author 
has made use of a circular ticket during the 
last four years and it still has an indefinite 
time to run. They are to be had in all combi- 
nations : Liege-Marne-Aisne-Liege-Berlin ; 
Metz-Douaumont-Mort Homme-Metz-Ber- 
lin ; Cologne - Brussels - Lille - Brussels-Co- 
logne-Berlin, etc. 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARLS 

Baggage-checking facilities in France are 
unsurpassed. Some of the principal check- 
ing stations are La Fere Champenoise, 
Verdun, Ypres, Amiens, etc. Here the well- 
known French courtesy shows itself at its 
best. The French, with their associates, the 
British, Belgians, Americans, etc., are only 
too happy to turn out day or night to accom- 
modate any Imperial tourist who is in a 
hurry. 

Hotels, Amusements, Shops, Etc. 

All the hotels and chateaux to which the 
tourist is likely to have access are run on the 
German plan. That is to say, the traveler 
will begin by smashing the mirrors and pic- 
tures, quartering his horse in the salon, and 
putting his boots into the bed or on top of 
the piano, according to taste. 

The somewhat monotonous scheme of 
French interior decoration may be relieved 
by breaking open trunks of feminine apparel 
II 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

and festooning the contents around the chan- 
deliers. 

French landlords, whether in hotels or 
chateaux, show little inclination to interfere 
with the collection of souvenirs, always one 
of the most delightful accompaniments of a 
trip abroad. Ormolu clocks, Sevres vases, 
family portraits, ivory crucifixes, and simi- 
lar bibelots are to be had in profusion. The 
exceptionally enterprising tourist, especially 
if he is of sufficient standing at General 
Headquarters to command the services of a 
couple of motor vans, should find it quite 
possible to secure a Louis XVI sideboard or 
a grand piano or two. 

What careful study and application may 
accomplish in this respect is already shown 
in the unrivaled Kronprinz-Friedrich Wilhelm- 
Porzelan - Wanduhr - und - Badewanne - Samme- 
lung (Krown Prince Friedrich William Por- 
celain-Wall Clock-and-Bathtub Collection) 
at Berlin. Tourists compelled to evacuate 
their hotel rooms in a hurry will of course 

12 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

see to it that they remain unfit for human 
(that is, for French) habitation. 

Amuse:ments, shopping, etc., must neces- 
sarily be decided by the taste of the traveler. 
It is enough to say that the facilities are un- 
rivaled. Tourists of an antiquarian turn of 
mind will avail themselves of the existing 
ruins for which northern France is famous 
or will make their own. People of athletic 
tastes will find in the orchards of fair France 
unexcelled opportunities for tree-chopping. 
To those of more frivolous bent there are 
certain conquerors' privileges which will not 
be specified. 

Preparations for Trip. 

No hard and fast rule can be laid down 
for the length of time to be spent in prepa- 
ration for an excursion from Berlin to Paris. 
From the author's own experience it is obvi- 
ous that forty-three years are not enough. 
But circumstances may change. 

In the way of mental preparation — study 
13 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

of foreign languages, history, customs, etc. 
— the German tourist has peculiar advan- 
tages over every other traveler. Since the 
German language is the only civilized lan- 
guage, German Kultur is the only Kultur 
worth mentioning, and German history re- 
veals the will of Gott working itself out in 
the most perfect medium, the German abroad 
has nothing to learn. 

We would, however, make one exception, 
in recommending the tourist to brush up his 
knowledge of architecture, and especially of 
Gothic architecture, in which Northern 
France is so rich. In the author's own expe- 
rience, hundreds of thousands of 42-cen- 
timeter shells have been wasted by German 
tourists who have directed their attention to 
modern commercial buildings and passed 
over the rarest thirteenth century examples. 



14 



ROUTE I. 

From Liege to Paris by Way of the Mame, 
the Was, and the Ain*t. 

Two hundred and seventy-five miles in 3 years, 
10 months, 15 days. Fare, 750,000 dead, 1,500,000 
wounded. Connection (not guaranteed) at St. 
Quentin with the Von Biilow Accommodation 
from the Ardennes and thence to Rheims where 
connection (extra hazardous) with the Krown 
Prince Special (Rough Diamond Express) from 
Sedan and Argonne. 

Liege (the ancient German Lie^bch^n), 
a city of 175,000 inhabitants before the 
arrival of the German tourist and 25,000 
after, is picturesquely situated on the steep 
west bank of the river Meuse (the ancient 
German MeasIvE:s). It is or was the seat 
of a cathedral, a university, and a foundling 
asylum, all within easy cannon range from 
the opposite shore. After the first few days' 
15 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

bombardment there is nothing more to in- 
terest the visitor. 

Departing from the station on the left 
bank, we make our way through the lovely 
valley of the Meuse. The scenery on the 
left or Brandenburg Grenadier bank is even 
more pleasing than on the right, or Bavarian 
Ersatz bank. With brief stops for fusillades 
of women and priests at Huy and Andenne, 
we arrive at 

Namur (the ancient German NachmiT- 
Tag), a flourishing city at the confluence of 
the Meuse and the Sambre (the ancient Ger- 
man Sombrero), which immediately ceases 
to flourish. Here the Belgian checking fa- 
cilities prove insufficient to delay the tourist. 
By the light of burning villages we glide 
along the banks of the Sambre to 

Charleroi, a city lying in the heart of a 
great coal-basin and thus destined by Gott 
for the delight and profit of German vaca- 
tionists. Here for the first time we come into 
contact with the French checking system, 

i6 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

which, however, has not yet got into perfect 
working order and involves only a single 
day's stop-over. 

The line now turns south into French ter- 
ritory and we move rapidly through a pleas- 
ant country criss-crossed with poplars which 
might well repay hewing down, and studded 
with white church steeples which would 
make excellent targets but for the prohib- 
itive cost of high explosives. Here one may 
choose the main road through Maubeuge 
(the ancient German Mops) or the branch 
road by way of Mons (abbreviated from the 
German Monsie:ur), leading either to Le 
Cateau (Ger. CASTi:i.i,uM ) or Guise (Ger. 
Gksundhkit). 

At both points the checking system once 
more is applied, with greater though not yet 
perfect efficiency; in the one case by the 
English, originally a Germanic tribe from 
the mouth of the river Elbe, whence Albion, 
under the guidance of one John French 
(Johann Franz), and in the other case by 
17 



LONDON 

(Note : The author not having had the advantage 
of studying the topography of London on the spot, 
the map below shows London as it ought to be 
rather than as it is.) 



K^ I 1 1 GrWvnd-neh Admiral 



up^Qt/^t 



:fon'Luc/Mcforff 



\ J von T/rpiiri. Fountain 



W]\\ 



ULUJUQ-'tztt 



Mdmarichalhuhd-lnfanh)X» OS 

General 'Delivery v on^ L — 1 I — I Crl^n Prince — — 

Hmi^enburj Q^ I I ;5r~| I Porcelain Collection 



Close to the Haupt-Quartiermeister-General von 
Ludendorff Bridge is the famous inn of the Cheshire 
Cheese, the favorite resort of the celebrated lexi- 
cographer Samuel Johnson, whose fondness for 
words like "honorificabilitudinity'* clearly betrays 
his Germanic origin. 



38 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

the natives rallying around Josef Schauffer, 
frequently but erroneously referred to as 
Joseph Joffre, of whom we here catch our 
first instructive glimpse. 

* * * Josef Schauffer (Joffre), one of the most 
remarkable features of French landscape scenery, 
will repay close study by the foreign tourist. As 
the name indicates, he is of German descent with 
just a dash of the debilitating French blood. He 
entered the army at an early age, and developed 
his strategic ideas entirely on the model of those 
great Teuton military thinkers, Moltke, Clause- 
witz and Napoleon (Ger. Apfelstrudel, though 
some writers prefer Apollinaris). 

This Schauffer is about 5 feet 10 inches in 
height and, according to our best German au- 
thorities, about twice as wide. (See Von Kluck, 
"Indian Summer on the Marne," six volumes, 
printed for private distribution.) The first im- 
pression of Schauffer is of a man of retiring dis- 
position, but after the first five weeks, he reveals 
an impressive gift for repartee which is charac- 
teristically Teuton. This much is certain : that his 
name will remain indelibly impressed on the 
memory of the German tourist. 

From Le Cateau and Guise we continue 
to follow the main line past St. Quentin and 
19 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Compiegne to Senlis within less than thirty 
miles from Paris. Here the line veers 
abruptly to the southeast and, judging from 
the Berlin official communiques, enters a 
series of long tunnels. 

As the train emerges from the last of 
these into the valley of the Marne, there 
bursts upon the eyes of the deeply impressed 
visitor 

* * * An Extensive View of the French 
and English Army. 

The numerous features of what is unde- 
niably the climax of our journey can be indi- 
cated only in the briefest form within the 
limits of the present volume. The tourist 
may be referred for a much more extensive 
account of this interesting phenomenon to 
the Author's "J^^ketings with Joffre," 47 
volumes, with introduction, appendix and 
alibi, Berlin, 1914-1987. 

Beginning at the extreme west, at the 
junction of the Marne (Ger. Marinirt) and 
the Ourcq (Ger. Ugh !), we note the impres- 
20 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

sive Stone Wall of Manoury, or more cor- 
rectly Mannheimer, reported to have been 
built in a single night out of rough blocks 
brought from Paris in taxicabs. 

Further to the east the eye lights upon the 
so-called John French (Johann Franz), no 
longer avoiding the attention of the pursuing 
tourist, but now engaged in an operation 
technically described as reverse English. 

Beyond that lies the Franchet d'Esperey 
barrier, passing which we come to the 
marshes of St. Gond surmounted by the re- 
markable combination of quicksand and cliff 
known to German students as Ferdinand 
Fuchs, popularly but erroneously referred to 
as Foch. 

* * * Ferdinand Fuchs (Foch) is a frequent 
phenomenon along the roads of northern France 
and as such will repay study. It not only occurs 
on the Marne, but is encountered in great 
strength along the Yser, in Artois, in front of 
Amiens, and latterly along the entire terrain 
from the North Sea to the Adriatic. 

The celebrated quarter-miler Ludendorff in his 

21 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

volume of reminiscences entitled *'Foot-Races 
with Foch," now in course of publication, aptly 
characterizes Foch as "the Union Terminal for 
all German tourist traffic in France." Beyond 
Foch the roads are closed for repairs. 

Here, therefore, the traveler will disem- 
bark and follow the direction indicated in 
a sign pointing north with the legend ''This 
way out.'' He will take his seat without 
loss of time in one of the long line of specials 
under the direction of Dispatchers Schauf- 
fer and Fuchs. A swift run of fifty miles 
through familiar country brings him to the 
rivers Oise (German, Was) and Aisne 
(German, Ain't). 



22 



EXCURSION A 

View of a Decadent Nation. 

"French troops began to intervene on March 
23 in the battle now being fought on the British 
front."— Official Dispatch. 

Hold there, Tommy ! They come, Petain's odorif- 
erous life guards, 

Slouching with rifle and bomb and a varied as- 
sortment of blankets, 

Tinware, onions and stews, and the smile that 
ne'er failed them at Verdun. 

France from her white-bled veins still squeezes a 
cup for transfusion. 

Hold there, Haig you ! They come ! Their sauce- 
pans gleam like the helmets 

Of Roland, Joan, Bayard — and a minimum quota 
of cannon. 

Three hundred miles of front, a half-hundred 
more hardly matters. 

France once more is at work spiking the Hinden- 
burg schedule. 

Belgium called and they came, this feeble folk 

from the boulevards. 
Frog-eaters sadly addicted to peg-top trousers 

and absinthe, 

23 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Came in their paper-soled boots and leaped at the 

Kaiser's machine guns, 
Caught the blow full in the face and reeled back 

to Marne and to glory. 

Servia called, and they came: "On the banks of 

the Struma our soldiers" — 
"Our troops in the bend of the Cerna" — "In the 

Salonica sector our soldiers " 

Spaded and festered and fought and smoked their 

notorious tobacco, 
Wond'ring what it all was about, but alors, ^a va 

tres hien, n'est-ce pas? 

Italy called and they came: "Our regiments 
marching through Brescia " 

"On the heights of Asiago our troops " Oh, 

tight-lipped anonymous poet, 

Your day and your night communiques — pro- 
nounced as we do it in Kansas 

Show down-and-out Frenchmen just raising Sam 
Hill in the Mediterranean. 

Stand there, Britain! She comes — France of the 

scant forty millions. 
Done for three years ago, white-bled by Hinden- 

burg's schedule, 
France of the Lafayette touch gives still one 

more twist to her life veins. 
Sounds the call of Verdun and leaps — Hold, 

Haig! She is coming! 
24 



ROUTE 2. 

To Paris by Way of Japan, Mexico, and the 
U. S. A. 

This is known as the Z. Z. Line (Zimmer- 
mann Zip Express). Distances, duration, fares, 
etc., can be estimated only in the roughest 
way, as the route is still imperfectly charted, 
with numerous gaps which must be covered on 
mule back or by the Swedish diplomatic pouch. 

Our journey starts from Yokohama (the 
ancient German Junke:rhkim), the princi- 
pal port of Japan. Just how the German 
traveler may get to Yokohama is described in 
our seventeen-volume guide book, "How to 
Be Happy with the British Fleet." 

Leaping lightly from Yokohama, the Ger- 
man tourist, at the head of a Japanese army 
of two million men, effects a comfortable 
landing on the west coast of Mexico, where 
25 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

he is joined by an army of equal strength 
under the command of Venustiano Carranza 
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, and 
of Pancho Villa on Tuesdays and Saturdays, 
unless detained by death or moving-picture 
contracts elsewhere. Thursdays and Sun- 
days are the Mexican army's days out. 

Heading due north along the magnificent 
macadam roads that cross the Sierra Madre, 
the tourist traverses the luxuriant cactus 
groves of Sonora watered by the silvery cur- 
rent of the majestic Juxtlahuacoatlajara- 
quetzlanapanhuatl (the ancient German 
town of KatzKn jammer). Behind us tow- 
ers the snow-covered Mount Orizaba (18,250 
feet), one of the tallest points on the North 
American continent and surpassed only by 
some of Count Bernstorffs best efforts. 

As we advance we catch glimpses, on our 
right, of the Mexican army poufing carbolic 
acid into the food kettles of their Japanese 
allies, and on our left the Japanese army 
honing their razors on the Mexican allies. 
26 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Shortly before dawn we pull into the rail- 
way station at Juarez, its magnificent marble 
colonnade toned to a rich yellow by the smoke 
from the tall chimneys of the Special Dis- 
patch Works at El Paso across the Rio 
Grande. 

The passage of the river having been 
easily effected, the road leads across the roll- 
ing plains of Texas. The inhabitants are 
almost entirely of pure Mexican blood, wear- 
ing the characteristic national costume of a 
black frock coat and white string tie. They 
are bitterly hostile to the American flag, 
partly because of their Mexican race pride, 
and partly because only seven out of a total 
of nine members in the American Cabinet 
hail from this part of the country. 

By closing his left eye and putting the 
palm of his hand over the right, the tourist 
may perceive millions of these Texicans — to 
give them their proper name — marching with 
rifles for an attack on New York. They are 
brigaded with Japanese and Mexicans under 
27 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

the chief command of Don Pedro Alvarez 
Y Fujiwara. 

Further north we encounter strong reen- 
forcements from New Mexico (the ancient 
German NEu Me:cki.Enburg), Arizona 
(EhrEnbre:iTste:in) and the southern part 
of Utah, the last composed of Mormon bat- 
talions bearing a banner with the motto 
B Plurihiis Unum. 

There follows an uninterrupted run of 
several hundred miles, characterized by the 
most perfect harmony among the Allies as 
a result of the unsurpassable Harvey Meals. 
Tourists of literary inclinations may choose 
to stop off for a moment at Hannibal, Mo., 
the birthplace of Mark Zwei, famous for his 
discovery of the dative case in the German 
language. From this point the route is along 
the banks of the Mississippi (the ancient 
German Me:sopotamia), until the presence 
of a strong odor of hops and malt in the air 
informs us that we are approaching 

St. Louis (The ancient German LooiK), a 
28 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

first-class fortress and entrenched camp. 
The city has a population of 687,029, of 
whom 3,235,786 have both parents born in 
Germany, 7,897,453 have a German-born 
father or mother, 3,453,987 are of native 
parentage on both sides but, like the others, 
smoke Turkish Muftis and read the Satur- 
day Evening Post, and 24 are of the belief 
that the Browns will finish in the first divi- 
sion. 

St. Louis lies low on the banks of the Mis- 
sissippi while the American Security League 
calls it names. Between whiles it sends vol- 
unteers into the American army and navy 
and buys Liberty Bonds. The last, how- 
ever, has been explained as an ingenious 
scheme to corner the Liberty Bond market 
and, by leaving nothing for the rest of the 
country to buy, to sap the national morale. 

On the other side of the river lies East St. 
Louis, inhabited by a pioneer population 
addicted to hunting negro women and chil- 
dren through the streets with firearms. 
29 



"LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS" 

From St. Louis the tourist may take one 
of several routes. By proceeding in a gen- 
eral northward direction we reach, after an 
uneventful run of several hours, a stimu- 
lating city, over whose Town Hall waves a 
red flag with the motto "Guess Again." In 
other words, 

Milwaukee, the largest city in the state 
of Wisconsin (the ancient German Was- 
kann-ES-s^in). Its principal industry, as 
indicated by the town motto, is keeping news- 
paper editors awake nights wondering what 
will happen next. Owing its original fame 
to a fermented product of world-wide repu- 
tation, Milwaukee has persisted in ferment- 
ing ever since. It votes for Socialists (the 
ancient German Social-Demokraten) and 
buys Liberty Bonds. 

Milwaukee has been under a Socialist ad- 
ministration for several years and persists in 
not going to the devil. Its soldiers were 
among the first American casualties in the 
30 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

present war. Its favorite resort for light 
amusement is the La FoUette-Berger. 

Leaving Milwaukee with a slight head- 
ache, the tourist pursues his way along the 
shores of Lake Michigan, flashes through 
Chicago and spends an afternoon at Gary, 
Ind., famous as the original home of the 
football play known to all educationalists as 
the Gary Double Shift (as opposed to the 
Hylan Fling). Cutting south through the 
state of Indiana, we traverse a flat prairie 
country broken only by primary contests and 
election indictments, and crossing into Ohio 
(the ancient German Wki-hai-wEi) we 
enter, as night falls, the city of 

Cincinnati (the ancient German CiNCiN- 
NATUH ) . The tourist can tell that it is night 
and not day by the fact that the porter 
announces the last call for dinner. If he 
announced the first call for breakfast it 
would be day in Cincinnati. Otherwise there 
is no telling. The leading hotels have facil- 
31 



WASHINGTON, D. C. 

( Note : The author not having had the advantage 
of studying the topography of Washington on the 
spot, the map below shows Washington as it ought 
to be rather than as it is.) 



\ C^^^^^>^ W Gross- und-neh^Mm'rhf 

y ^^^^^^V-VI r I I J I I VOnTirpiijL Fount ain 

I I IJ |_J [_J G I gy ^/^^'yff 



Fkldmarschalhund-InfanfeiA" QS 
General- Delivers von-^ i ' ' ' VJ^- >3,/«^i ' — 



Crortn Princs^ 



Gencraf-Dc/ivery v on- 

Hinc^enburj P^i 1 ISTl I Porceh/n Coifechon 



nnnnLjn] 



The admirable simplicity of Washington's street 
plan is due to the fact that the city was originally 
laid out by a German architect, Peter Karl Kinder- 
lein, erroneously referred to in the text books as 
Pierre Charles L'Enfant. 



32 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

ities for washing shirts and collars at short 
notice. 

From Cincinnati there is a network of rail- 
ways extending all over the eastern United 
States. For the attainment of his objective 
the traveler may take the Franz Rintelen 
German-Nickel-Plate, or the Dr. Heinrich 
Albert Accordeon Portfolio, or the Papen 
Underground, or any other of the Subsidi- 
aries of the K. K. & K. (Kaiser, Kultur and 
Kamouflage) System. 

All these routes, however, after passing 
through an extensive variety of scenery, 
ultimately converge, and the Teuton tourist, 
with an extraordinary assortment of emo- 
tions, descends in the capacious union termi- 
nal of 

Atlanta (the ancient German Tantai^us), 
a city with a considerable German popula- 
tion, largely concentrated within the pre- 
cincts of the U. S. Federal Penitentiary, a 
modern institution with unrivaled facilities 
for the encouragement of sober second 
33 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

thought. Here the tourist makes the ac- 
quaintance of the famous southern exposure 
and the equally celebrated southern hospital- 
ity. 

From this point the only practicable way 
to Paris is either by wireless or telepathy. 



34 



EXCURSION B. 
Holy Willie's Prayer 

(The author wishes to express his obligation to 
the late Robert Burns, of Alloway, near Ayr, 
Scotland, for all of the title and some of the meter 
of the following inspired lines.) 

Thou, Gott, zum Grossen Haupt-Quartier, 
Whose flaming sword, I greatly fear. 
Is giving signs of wear and tear 

(See late dispatches), 
Despite Bapaume and Armentieres 

New trouble hatches. 

Peruse, oh Gott, without delay, 
The weather maps from U. S. A. 
With winter wheat from day to day 

Booming and swelling. 
A billion bushels on the way — 

Hear Hoover yelling. 

Pour forth thy wrath on Abilene, 

Its long hot days with rain between, 

Or hurl thy blast on Moorhead, Minn., 

Temp, above normal. 
Not like my crops from the Ukraine, 

More or less formal. 

3S 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Let fall thy bolt on Keokuk, 
Its isotherms in best of luck, 
Its barometric pressures cluck — 

Clucking and chortling, 
Much livelier, Gott, than that lame duck 

Von Hertling. 

Send forth thy blast on Tatoosh, Wash., 
Where Packards o'er the landscape dash 
And Steinways sell for ready cash ; 

Wheat at two-twenty! 
On Penn Yan let thy anger crash, 

Crash good and plenty. 

What Teuton skill wrought on the Somme, 
Wreak thou, oh Gott, on Yankee scum. 
On orchard, meadow, clay, and loam, 

Ashes and chaff spray. 
Or Ludendorff will pack thee home 

Retired on half pay ! 

S. S. 



36 



ROUTE 3. 

To Calais and Paris by way of Ypres and 
Poison Gas. 

Fourteen miles to Ypres from Roulers Junc- 
tion where connection is made for Liege 
(See Route i). Time, 3 years, 10 months. 
Fares: Prussian Guard Rocket, 100,000 dead 
and corresponding wounded; Crown Prince 
Rupprecht Slow Freight, 400,000 dead; Von 
Arnim Sunset Limited, £00,ooo dead and several 
attacks of near-apoplexy in editorial offices of 
Count Reventlow. 

Ypres is the ancient German Wipers, 
whence the famous line by the Bavarian 
poet, Tony Weller the elder, *'Ah, you gen- 
eration of Wipers!'' Other writers claim 
that Ypres is the original Germanic form 
and quote a famous epigram in the Lower 
Suabian dialect by an ancestor of the present 
Gen. Von Arnim, "Ypres moi, le deluge." 

The city has been for the last four years 
Z7 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

the favorite destination for short-trip com- 
muters from Germany. The line, however, 
does not approach closer than two miles to 
the town, and the walking, even for com- 
muters, has hitherto been found impracti- 
cable. Ypres lies almost entirely under- 
ground. The climate is salubrious for the 
army which has the wind at its back, owing 
to the prevalence of gas in the atmosphere. 

By this time the city is utterly devoid of 
monuments, other than the magnificent 
memory of devotion and sacrifice displayed 
by its occupants since October, 1914, the 
Germanic tribe of Anglo-Saxons whose 
home (as already noted) was originally on 
the lower Elbe, but who are now mostly dom- 
iciled in the island of Blighty (the ancient 
Germanic Bi^utwurst). It is of the early 
inhabitants of this island that a Bishop of 
Rome once remarked ''Not angels but 
Englishmen," a description of which they 
are still inordinately proud. 

The run from Roulers to the environs of 
38 



CALAIS 

(Note : The author not having had the advantage 
of studying the topography of Calais on the spot, 
the map below shows Calais as it ought to be rather 
than as it is.) 



■jt- (JU^rttermeister-Oe ntnal. ' . Q 



C^^^^^"^^ I 1 1 Gross- und-nehA^^r 
"^ V/1 f j . j J { J von T!rpit2, Fountain 

WY\ Briefs^ 






i_ 



inDDDnnni: 



ftldmarschall-und^tnknfclk* fW 

General' Defivcry von-^ t 1 L__Jl^J^^ Pr/nct^^ ^ 

Hmcfeftburs [:;;:::] I I Xn l Porcehm Collection 

Museum n , , r— — , KN j i 1 ' » »■ — 

M nnnhUn rnr 



As the half-way station between London and 
Paris, the town of Calais naturally has taken on 
something of the aspect of both cities, a resemblance 
that will not escape the discerning reader. 



39 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Ypres is short but eventful. The first half 
of the journey is made at night. Somewhere 
between Passchendaele and Hollebeke the 
line divides and the odor of gas is preva- 
lent. The tourist, according to instructions, 
moves forward either through a hilly re- 
gion densely covered with hydrochlorate- 
permanganese ichthyolotuolsciatica (HO3 
ZWQ4V6S7COD3F1F1F1 SOS2), or across 
lowlands drenched in Prussarsenicarbonated- 
sundaesulphurettediogenes (known in the 
trade as Ypres blue). 

Both roads come to a stop, as indicated, 
outside the suburbs of Ypres and the 
commuter immediately starts back in the 
direction of Germany. The General Staff 
thereupon announces that all objectives have 
been attained and instructs the High Keeper 
of the Peace Dove to release the bird for a 
scouting trip. 

Thirty miles beyond Ypres lies Calais (the 
ancient German Ke:IvLy), reported to be a 
very interesting bathing resort. 
40 



ROUTE 4. 

To Paris by Way of Galicia, Warsaw and 
Sukhomlinoff. 

Twenty-four thousand, six hundred and twen- 
ty-five miles, of which 250 miles (Warsaw) 
in 2 years, I month, 5 days. Fares (fair- 
ly reasonable), i^ million Germans; inci- 
dental tips, etc. ,^3 million Austrians. The jour- 
ney is all the way by the Trans-Consonantal 
Road (the Bzzwqurt, JJrxpop, & Grvbglug R. R.) 
pronounced the most trying roadbed in the world 
but really much more satisfactory than the much 
vaunted trains de luxe of northern France and 
Belgium. 

We begin our journey on the shores of 
the river Dunajec in Galicia at 

Sukhomlinoff (the ancient German Scum), 
a railroad center of the first rank, though it 
does not yet appear on the maps. It was 
founded some time in 1914 and named after 
the Minister of War in the cabinet of Nich- 
olas II, Emperor of All the Russias (Emer- 
itus). 

41 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

To this Sukhomlinoff, as Minister of 
War, naturally fell the task of regulating 
foreign tourist traffic into the interior of 
Russia. Of the vast sums of money placed 
at his disposal for this purpose, the greater 
part was not spent on the well established 
devices for regulating tourist traffic, such as 
Siberian Riflemen, Cossacks, artillery, aero- 
planes, boots, and black rye bread (famil- 
iarly known as the Super-Hoover loaf). 
Sukhomlinoff diverted these funds to cer- 
tain favorite units of his own, notably the 
Ballet Ladies' Own, the Night Watch, the 
Champagne Chasseurs, and the Black and 
Red Wheel Corps. 

As a result the tourist's road into the heart 
of Russia is enormously facilitated. Shortly 
after leaving the station at Sukhomlinoff we 
encounter half a million Russians without 
food, clothes, guns or powder. The for- 
eigner is still much of a curiosity to the 
primitive Slavs. Instead of evading the 
onrushing locomotive, they swarm upon the 

42 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

train, kick with their bare toes against ma- 
chine guns, tear with their fists at barb-wire, 
and indulge in similar excesses, which, how- 
ever, are more of a nuisance than a danger. 

Having cleared the track of such obstruc- 
tions, the train moves rapidly forward, stop- 
ping now and then at wayside stations to 
drop a consignment of much-needed vowels, 
and passing through Przemysl (the ancient 
German Schi^EmihIv) and Lemberg (the 
ancient German is obvious), we arrive, 
after a fast run up the river Vistula, at 

Warsaw, where the tourist is received by 
rejoicing crowds of Poles raising the historic 
cry Finis Polandiae! 

At Warsaw, the tourist debarks, unfolds 
his map, traces the remaining 24,400 miles 
to Paris by way of Vladivostok, San Fran- 
cisco and Hoboken, and decides to stop for 
a while and think it over. This process takes 
18 months. (Special rates at pensions for 
the whole period.) 



43 



ROUTE 5. 

To Paris by Way of the Lusitania. 

The Tirpitz Short Line via the half-way house 
of madness and abomination. An ancient and 
well-patronized route, e. g., Herod, the Borgias, 
Ivan of Russia, Marquis de Sade, Mme. de Biin- 
villiers, Dr. Crippen, and other experts in Kultur 
bacteria. Time, 3 years, 5 weeks. Immediate 
costs : nothing save honor and the execration of 
mankind. Ultimate costs, see below. 

The tourist embarks at Wilhelmshaven or 
Zeebrugge, having provided himself with 
warm clothes, a copy of Kant's Categorical 
Imperative, and the tenderer songs of Schu- 
bert and Schumann to while away the tedi- 
ous underwater journey to the Irish coast. 

Rising to the surface off Kinsale, the trav- 
eler gives only a moment's glance towards 
shore, then turns his attention to the stirring 
{herzerfreudige) sight of a noble steamer 
44 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

bounding forward over the waves (uber die 
Wellen walzend). The experienced travel- 
er, however, will not let himself be deceived 
by appearances. Drawing from his pocket 
the Bernstorff-Zimmermann patent X-Ray 
Telephotograph Detector, specially devised 
for such emergencies, he will train it on 
the great ship and immediately detect the 
presence on board of large stores of explo- 
sives. 

For ordinary purposes this examination 
should be enough. The truly conscientious 
traveler, however, will not be content with a 
superficial view. He will wait until the pres- 
ence of a large number of women and chil- 
dren on board ship is ascertained. 

Thereupon, reciting a few appropriate 
lines from the immortal Goethe, the tourist 
will take appropriate action, pause a mo- 
ment to observe results, and submerge. 

From that point the sea route to Paris 
lies under water by way of the Ancona (Ger. 
Angkn^hm), the Persia (Ger. Borussia), 
45 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

and the Sussex (Ger. Swe:e:t Saxons), until 
the traveler, carried on at express speed, 
suddenly comes to a halt, emerges, and dis- 
covers, high on the horizon, 

* * * America (the ancient German Ko- 
i^oombiah), lying straight across the road to 
Paris ; area, 3,743,308 square miles ; popula- 
tion, 110,000,000; annual income, $150,000,- 
000,000; potential military strength, 15,000,- 
000 men; wheat crop, one billion bushels. 
Having carefully scanned these figures, the 
German tourist to Paris by the Lusitania 
route will don his cork jacket and cancel his 
ticket in favor of some other route. 



46 



ROUTE 6. 

Excursion to Kolossal Kavem, also known as 
the German Mind. 

The Lusitania route will be found by the 
traveler to be shortest and clearest approach 
to what is probably the most extraordinary 
natural phenomenon in captivity, namely the 
Kolossal Kavern, better known as the Ger- 
man Mind, and properly regarded as one 
of the Seven Great Blunders of the World. The 
exploration of this extraordinary subterranean 
labyrinth, while fascinating, is not devoid of 
peril. Once inside there is no guarantee that the 
traveler will find his way to the upper air again, 
at least in his previous state of mental health. 

The trip, therefore, is not to be recommended 
for invalids, or tourists with dependent wife and 
children under i8 years of age and not filing 
separate returns under Form X1056. 

The Kolossal Kavern is really a congeries 

of halls, domes, pits, avenues, lakes, rivers, 

v^aterfalls, boiling Kaisers, and inkspouts, 

scooped out in the soft German soil by the 

47 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

action of generations of hard Prussian 
thought, goose-step by goose-step. 

The entrance into the Kavern is through 
the principal door of the University of 
Berlin and affiliated institutions under the 
authority of the Prussian Minister of Edu- 
cation. 

On entering, the visitor is required to put 
on a pair of ordinary horse's blinders which 
permit vision only in a straight line and to 
put himself in charge of an official guide. 
Almost immediately we find ourselves in a 
great Rotunda known as the Will-to-Believe 
from which all the paths into the German 
Mind diverge (not to be confused with Will 
Hohenzollern or Will o' the Wisp). 

From the Rotunda a short climb brings 
us to the Dome of the Ninety-three Profes- 
sors, beautifully decorated with a frieze of 
crystals depicting the invasion of Silesia by 
the Belgian army, the execution of German 
women and children, and the destruction of 
Cologne Cathedral. 

48 



MAP 

OF THE 

kolossalkavernT 




^ 


^ f 


r 




X 

^ 


j^ 


1 


friu. 


% 


^ 




^/ 


\l 


^1 


^^ 




i 


ft 


^ 


^ 


K 


m^^^ 


■'^s^^^' 




s 

V 


Ik 


1^' 


i 




f/^^ 


pr- 




'^^ 


f 


\ 


=r» 




JL.. ^ 








tf 









Map of the German Mind 



49 



1.1 riLV: JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Imoiii tliis pcnnt wo proceed by iho llaockcl 
Corkscrow atul the Troitschko Twist to the 
shores oi Tiq)itz See ov Lake, iniiahited by 
a species o( shark whicli feeds, strictly in 
self-defense, iipcMi the eyeless minnows 
which abound in these waters. Tansinj;- a 
moment ti> call up the juciure o\ the gentle 
old man whose tlowini;- w hiskers have turned 
white trvini;- to limine cnit how several boat- 
loads oi women manai;ed to i^et away from 
the Lusitania. we proceed in the direct ii>n oi 
what is undcnibtedly the chief marvel oi the 
Kolossal Kavern. namely the Teuton Temple 
of Absolute Truth, oi which the post oi Cus- 
todian is held by the edittM" of the Xord- 
ihiitsrlir .\lhjc}}icinc ZcitiDUi. 

One may aj^proach the Temple of Truth 
bv several routes. C^ne w ay lies by the Hegel 
Gallery, which at intervals expands into 
larL;e c^bscure chambers such as the Here 
^das IHrr), the There {diis Port) and the 
Neither! lere-nor-There {^das Bcthmann- 
Uolkccij). 

So 



IJ I'lIJ': JOURNICYS TfnVARnS i'AKIS 

An alternative route oi about the same 
IcnjT^th and attractiveness leads throu^^h the 
Immanuel Kant Alley, w^hich crosses a num- 
ber of chasms on ro[)e brid[:jes, variously 
called the To-iie (das Sein), the Not-to-be 
{das Nichtsein) and the Ilas-Heen (das 
Czernin). It then skirts the precipice of 
Ordinary Truth, over which dashes a much- 
remarked waterfall known as Lichnowsky's 
Leap, and arrives at the entrance to the 
Temple. 

For the mr^re active traveler who is not 
averse to a bit of rou^h work, there is a 
short cut known as the Wolff Jiureau. 

'i'he principal feature oi the Temple of 
Truth is a ^reat central chamber illuminated 
by policeman's bull eyes and over the marble 
doorway to which is inscribed the motto 
"Necessity is the Mother of Invention." 
Within are statues (carved by the corrosive 
action of the subterranean waters and the 
moonshine) of all the ^reat inventors — 
F5ethmann-Hollweg, Zimmermann, Hcllfer- 
51 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

ich. Von Jagow, and the man who described 
the results of the battle of the Marne as "the 
strategic withdrawal of our right wing." 

For the ordinary visitor the route we have 
outlined may suffice. The more enterprising 
traveler will no doubt insist on pursuing his 
explorations into the inner recesses of the 
German Mind. He may proceed by Von 
Papen's Whirl, leading through Dynamite 
Hall, to the Hall of Perfect Amity. Or 
passing the Rintelen Morass and the Boy- 
Eddy he may arrive at the confluence of 
German Honor and Slush Creek. 

Other galleries lead to the Mausoleum or 
Slav's Folly. Here, owing to certain peculi- 
arities of air refraction, self-defense is 
spelled 1-o-o-t, and no annexations means 
Odessa and Sebastopol. 

Thence we pass a desolate waste of 
charred woods and orchards known as 
Kaiser William Land, from its strong resem- 
blance to northern France. Across the waste 
trickles the Rivulet of Joyful and Grateful 
52 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Tears, shed by said monarch at the thought 
of Germany's being spared the sorrows 
inflicted (by some person or persons un- 
known) upon unhappy France. 

With a final glance at the Hall of Won- 
ders, representing the members of Main 
Committee of the Reichstag engaged in won- 
dering why nobody loves them, we make our 
way out of the Kolossal Kavern into the air 
of the open day. 



53 



ROUTE 7 

To Paris by Way of Verdun and the Krown 
Prince 1 8-hour Flivver. 

Eight miles forward and 6 miles back in five 
months. Fare, 150,000 dead, 300,000 wounded 
and prisoners, I Chief of the General Staff, sev- 
eral heart-to-heart talks at Potsdam. 

Starting from, the general neighborhood 
of Metz in the early morning of of February 
21, the train goes bowling over the plain of 
the Woevre in the direction of the Heights 
of the Meuse. 

On our right we observe the Krown Prince 
feverishly calculating the number of clocks 
and Sevres vases in the Louvre. On our left 
we observe the Pony Ballet of Prussian Pro- 
fessors rehearsing the French indemnity. 
Up stage, in deep center, Wilhelm II is pre- 
paring to mount his horse for the twenty- 
54 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

seventh grand entry into Somewhere in 
France, the twenty-six previous perform- 
ances having been postponed on account of 
wet grounds. Off stage we catch a glimpse 
of the Hindenburg Reserve, grimly reserving 
its judgment as to the outcome of the trip. 

Rushing forward through space, we ar- 
rive in the afternoon of February 25, at 
Douaumont Junction, having covered five 
miles at break-neck speed in five days. En- 
tering a tunnel — the view here from both 
sides strongly resembles the Berlin attitude 
on the rights of small nations — the train 
suddenly slows up at the flash of a semaphore 
signal, 

"lis ne Passeront Pas!" (the ancient Ger- 
man Vkrboten ) , and crawling forward, the 
conductor walking ahead, it emerges at the 
union terminal of 

P^tain (the ancient German Pkterkin), 
firmly situated on the Heights of the Meuse 
and built out of the rock quarried in the im- 
mediate vicinity. In the two and a half years 
55 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

since August i, 19 14, Petain underwent a 
marvelous expansion, having risen from the 
fourth, or Colonel, class to first or command- 
er-in-chief rank. It is the center of a group 
of flourishing communities notable among 
v^hich we may name Castelnau (the ancient 
German Neu-KassKl), and Nivelle (the 
ancient German Nibe:i,ung). From the out- 
skirts of Petain, the tourist, before changing 
cars, may catch a glimpse of 

Verdun (the ancient German Vkrdammt), 
a city of absolutely no consequence when one 
comes to think of it, and certainly not worth 
the trouble of arguing about with the Petain 
Home Guards. Here, therefore, we cross 
over to the station marked Exit, and embark- 
ing on the Krown Prince Shuttle Express, 
enter the tunnel once more and head for 
Metz and points east and north, for rest and 
recuperation. 

On March 2, considerably refreshed by a 
week's study of German explanations how it 
56 



VERDUN 

( Note : The author not having had the advantage 
of studying the topography of Verdun on the spot, 
the map below shows Verdun as it ought to be 
rather than as it is.) 



C^^^^^"^^ I 1 1 Gr6s^-ond'nehM^r{l 



y. ^^^^^^^ i 1 ,LJ I— J yp^Tlrp ltj. Fountain 



Sissinj 
3uh ' 



IQUUUUQ-tzjT 



fefdmarschaU-und^/nfanferii* CBI 
General' Deliver M von^ L 1 i lU J n.:^A ' ' — 



Gencrsf'Dc/ivery von- 



Crown Prince 



Hinctenburj f^ I I X^"] I Porcelain Col/eetion 

snnnnLnrir 



The noble monuments shown in the above plan 
were erected by the Krown Prince on the occasion 
of his first, second, third, fourth and fifth triumph- 
al entry into Verdun, respectively. 



57 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

all happened, we set out once more in the 
direction of Verdun, which on further con- 
sideration does offer considerable interest to 
the traveler. 

This time we make our way by the Switch- 
back Accommodation along the western bank 
of the Meuse, on the other side of which we 
enjoy a glimpse of the Cote de Poivre (Hill 
of the French Pep). By March 14, proceed- 
ing in characteristic national fashion, lang- 
sam und deutschlich, we arrive at the out- 
skirts of Mort Homme (French Mustard). 

Descending the reverse slope we find that 
by an extraordinary bit of municipal enter- 
prise, the Petain Terminus has been moved 
over from the other side of the river. 

Returning to the top of Mort Homme we 
catch an extensive view of the country to 
the south which confirms the earlier impres- 
sion of its not being worth bothering about. 
We then set out for the return journey to 
Metz. This excursion may be frequently 
58 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

repeated in the course of the next five 
months, but the prohibitive costs must be 
balanced against the educational benefits de- 
rived. 



59 



ROUTE 8 

To Paris by Way of Brest-Litovsk (Trotzky 
Hot Air Line). 

Five hundred thousand square miles of Russian 
territory and 65,000,000 people in less than two 
months. As far as Brest-Litovsk by the Good- 
Will Flyer. Beyond Brest-Litovsk by the vari- 
ous branches of the Trotzky Hot Air System. 
Fares: I Reichstag anti-annexation resolution 
canned; several small nationalities irritated; 18,- 
000,000 M^ords rapidly uttered by Trotzky and 
subsidiaries. 

From Berlin and Vienna to Brest-Litovsk 
the trip is made in leisurely fashion in ac- 
cordance with the ancient Hohenzollern mot- 
to, *^Make haste slowly" (in the original 
Latin ''Festina Leninte"). Stops are made 
at Point Czemin where ignition trouble is 
encountered, and at Kuhlmann Corners for 
lubrication. There is also a brief halt just 
outside of Brest-Litovsk for putting the 
60 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Reichstag formula of July 19 on ice. Here 
the Hoffmann Junker Mogul locomotive is at- 
tached for the final sprint into 

Brest-Litovsk (the ancient German Bronx- 
Lithia), a famous winter-resort on the river 
Bug (the ancient German Processor) and 
the starting point for all military picnics in- 
to the interior of Russia. Numerous hotels 
on the Mittel-European plan. Rooms with 
salt-water baths from Black Sea, Caspian 
Sea, Gulf of Finland, etc., free. Boots left 
outside the door will be cleaned by Bolshe- 
viki, whose manners are not above reproach. 
Superfluous baggage, such as no annexa- 
tions, no indemnities, self-determination, etc., 
may be checked with the furnace man. Any- 
thing else the visitor sees and takes a fancy 
to may be had at the usual Maximalist rates, 
which is nothing. 

From Brest-Litovsk we may proceed by 

the celebrated Vacation Route to Riga, the 

capital of Courland. This province has two 

million inhabitants, of whom the vast ma- 

61 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

jority, to the number of 10,000, are of Ger- 
man origin. The native Letts constitute an 
insignificant minority of 1,990,000 souls, 
chiefly engaged in paying taxes to the Ger- 
man majority. The journey is without inci- 
dent through a country of forests, lakes and 
depressed Russians, watching the passage of 
the train with mixed feelings, and an occa- 
sional hand-grenade. 

A short pause until the Trotzky engines 
have taken on the equivalent of several vol- 
umes the size of Webster's Unabridged, and 
the journey may be continued with the same 
degree of comfort to Wenden, the capital of 
Livonia, a thinly inhabited country because 
of the absorption of nearly all the food by 
the German barons. 

Proceeding thence we arrive at Rkval, the 
capital of Esthonia, with its famous Uni- 
versity of Dorpat (the ancient German 
Doormat, in reference to the independent 
spirit of its professors). While passing 
through the forests, the traveler is advised 
62 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

not to stick his head out of the window be- 
cause of the prevalence of the Red Sniper, 
a difficult bird to run down, though his mate 
and young may be captured and hung with 
little trouble. 

From Reval the journey may be continued 
across the ice of the Gulf of Petrograd to 
Helsingfors, capital of Finland, the home of 
an excellent race of general houseworkers 
and cooks who henceforth are to be reserved 
for the exclusive service of Germany. This 
journey, formerly so arduous because of the 
sturdy and independent nature of the Finns, 
has been enormously facilitated by the Trot- 
zky ice-breakers which have broken the ice 
for the German tourist and by setting the 
inhabitants of Finland to shooting each other 
have created unlimited hotel accommoda- 
tions for the Teuton visitor. 

A short run from Brest-Litovsk across the 
Pripet marshes (the ancient German Phi- 
losophic) brings the traveler to Vilna (the 
ancient German WiIvHe:IvMina), capital of 
63 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARLS 

Lithuania, a self-detorinined (ancient Ger- 
man suicimc) republic handed over to the 
Kaiser for safe-keeping by Trotzky, who im- 
mediately lost the receipt. 

But undoubtedly the most interesting^ and 
mstructive tour leadini^ out of Brest-Litovsk 
is that loading into the Ukraine (the ancient 
German Eucalyptus), a country endowed 
with a triple-expansion frontier, extending as 
the circumstances may require to the vicinity 
of Pango-Pango and Seattle. 

The Ukraine is the richest wheat-futures 
producing region on earth, the expression 
^'Ukrainian grain" in Berlin being equiva- 
lent to the English "with a grain of salt," 
also known as little Russian wheat. 

With a Trotzky pilot engine clearing the 
way the German tourist has a smooth run 
into 

Kiev (^the ancient German Kiau-Chau), 

a busy metropolis where life is just one Rada 

after another. Captured by the Bolsheviki 

three times before the signing of peace and 

64 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARTS 

seven times after, tlie inhabitants of Kiev 
rarely move from one assembly district into 
another without looking^ up in the papers 
whether they must vote for the Prussian Diet 
or the Moscow Soviet. Through all the tur- 
moil, however, the magnificent Dnieper has 
gone its own way, flowing from north to 
south in disregard of whoever is in charge 
of the railroad station and the telephone ex- 
change. 

From Kiev there are numerous delightful 
excursions to the Crimea, to the Volga, as 
well as personally conducted tours under 
Turkish guides to Armenia, second only in 
interest to the Chicago stock-yards. 

For complete details on touring in this 
region by the Trotzky system, write for the 
23-volume booklet, ''Through Russia on 
Nothing a Day." Cable address "Trotz- 
bronx." 



65 



EXCURSION C 

Marching Through Russia. 

Grab your trusty bugle, Fritz, and sound the 

good old strain. 
Sing a song of self-defense, and give it to them 

plain. 
Strike the tune we put across at Rheims and at 

Louvain, 
As we go marching through Esthonia. 

Nun hoch! Und hoch! With Gott and T N T.! 
Nun hoch! Und hoch! Our flag so proud am 

Spree! 
Introducing bashful Slavs to Kultur's A. B. C, 
As we go marching through Courland. 

Hear the dirty mujik growl and hear the women 

cry, 
Hear the tow-heads in their cribs cheer our 

goose-step high. 
See the priests kowtowing in the house of our 

Ally, 
While we go marching through Little Russia, 

Nun hoch, etc. 
66 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

"Hoffmann's gentle Junker boys will never be so 

rude." 
So the pretty Trotzky said, "If only I am good." 
Kiihlmann wiped a tear away and said he under- 
stood. 
So we go marching to Petrograd. 

Nun hoch, etc. 

See the Bolsheviki bolt and see the Shoviets 

shove. 
Sadly misinterpreting our Prussian ways of love. 
Shrinking from the Liege lamb and from the 

Dinant dove. 
As we go marching to the Urals. 

Nicht wahrf Ach ja! Behold our gallant hand, 
Now here, now there, defensively we stand, 
Building with our swords a wall for that dear Fath- 
erland, 
As we go marching to Vladivostok, Walla Walla, 
Hohokus and points east. 



67 



ROUTE 9. To Paris by' 
Way of the 75-Mile Gun. 

ROUTE 10. To Paris 
by Zeppelin, Albatross, 
Gotha, Fokker, etc., 

ROUTE II. To Paris 
by the P. P. P. P. (Peace 
Pigeon Parcel Post). 



See Route 13 
"To Paris by 
way of Gott.'' 



68 



ROUTE 12 
To Paris by Way of Amiens and Then Somme. 

One hundred miles in an indefinite number of 
years (circular ticket strongly recommended). 
The traveler will do best not to announce his 
exact destination in advance so as not to dis- 
appoint the folks at home eagerly w^aiting for pic- 
ture post-cards. Commutation for two months, 
500,000 dead and wounded and epidemic of paral- 
ysis of vocal chords among editors, professors, 
etc., engaged in showing how everything is go- 
ing fine. 

From St. Quentin (the ancient German 
TsiNG-TAu), the train makes its way at ex- 
press speed in the general direction of west 
southwest by south. The important stations 
of Ham, Peronne, Bapaume, Roye and Las- 
signy are quickly passed. The traveler is 
about to put down his magazine with the 
fascinating serial "How to Learn to Think 
like Goethe for 10 Cents a Week/' prepara- 
69 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

tory to getting one's luggage from the rack 
overhead, when there is a sharp grinding of 
brakes and the train slows up. 

The conductor now appears and announces 
that the direct road by way of Noyon and 
Lassigny is blocked by a wash-out on the 
line (the ancient German Foch-out) and 
that passengers will change for Montdidier 
and Amiens. 

We climb into the Von Hutier Local and 
settle down for a quiet run to the famous 
capital of Picardy, but just beyond Mont- 
didier the conductor announces a second 
Foch-out. Another hasty change of cars 
and we are switched on to the tracks of th^ 
Somme-Amiens Interurban, only to be 
brought to a stop within a dozen miles of 
Amiens by a third similar accident. 

While waiting for the train back to St. 
Quentin and a fresh start, the traveler lets 
his eye roam over the scene and recognizes, 
with more or less pleasure, the familiar 
French landscape. On the left are the rug- 
70 



MOSCOW 

( Note : The author not having had the advantage 
of studying the topography of Moscow on the spot, 
the map below shows Moscow as it ought to be 
rather than as it is.) 




f L / r 

Cross • und-ntt'Aclmwal 

J von T!rplt2. Fount gin 
uptQU^rttermeiStcf^OenenaL ' Q _ __ 

Z]nLJLJULlDi''Kllj 



ziizinnnnnnL 



fttdmarschaU-und'lnfdnhrk'- fW 

Gtntrah Delivery v ort-^ L » ' » Crl^n Prince — — 

Hindenburj f^ I I X^ I Porcelain CoUection 

Museum m . -, , NX! i r 1 i ' ^ 



' cm I I ;^ I Porcelain C 

nnnnkinf 



The great stretches of vacant space shown in the 
above plan were formerly occupied by public build- 
ings of various kinds. They were razed in order 
to supply Trotzky with plenty of room for gesticu- 
lation. 



71 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

ged ridges of Petain. On the right stretch 
the winding trenches of Petain. Straight in 
front loom the forest masses of Petain. 

Here and there, however, the eye detects 
new features in the landscape which a closer 
observation reveals as an outcropping of 
Yankees (the ancient German Junkkrs), 
dominated by Mt. Pershing (the ancient 
German Pkrsona non grata). 

In the distance we catch a glimpse of the 
dim contours of Haig Ridge, with its sub- 
sidiary elevations, Anzac and Canuck (the 
ancient German Kangaroo and Vimy Kid). 

The same view confronts us as we return 
to St. Quentin and set out for Amiens once 
more by way of Arras, Hazebrouck and 
Ypres, so that the effect becomes distinctly 
monotonous. The impression is intensified 
as the train finally pulls in at Franco-British- 
American - Belgian - Portuguese - Australian - 
Canadian-Union Terminal. 



72 



EXCURSION D 

A Christian Carol 

"You are old, Father William,'* the Krown 
Prince remarked, 

"And your waist-line shows signs of distress; 
But a churchful of women at seventy miles 

Is a very good score, I confess." 

"Four years back, Friedrich Wilhelm," the Kaiser 
replied, 

"We began shooting girls by the lot; 
And thus by sub-caliber practice grew fit 

For this last striking tribute to Gott." 

"You are old. Father William," the Krown 
Prince, observed, 

"And your wind is not all it might be; 
Yet that little Slav tango you did at Litovsk 

Was a joy and a pleasure to see." 

"Four years back," said the monarch, and smiled 
on his heir, 

"I took up paper scraps as my line ; 
And the pieces from Belgium just made up a nice 

Little treaty for Mr. Lenine." 

7Z 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

"You are old, Father William/' the Krown 
Prince declared, 

"Or at least you are well in your prime; 
And yet you're some distance away from Paree. 

Do you think you will get there in time?" 

"Now that," sobbed old William, "oh, pride of 
Verdun, 

Is just what I fear from the map. 
Though an expert at scrapping of papers, I'm not 

Quite up to the Foch kind of serap." 



74 



ROUTE 13 
To Paris by Way of Gott 

Owing to the peculiar nature of the route pur- 
sued, specifications regarding distance and time 
schedules are difficult. 

All trains on this route, though diverging 
more or less, leave from the same station: 
Zum Guten Alten Gott (Telegraph address, 
'*Deutschgott-am-Spree"). Formerly God 
was the starting point employed by nearly all 
peoples of the earth, but by the Imperial 
Trust Law of 1870-71 (Jehovah-Sequestra- 
tions-und-Monopol-Gesetz) the name was 
changed from God to Gott, and the facilities 
restricted to the German people and those 
acting under special license from them, as 
for example, the Turks in Armenia. 

The tourist, having decided on his partic- 
ular route, applies to the managers of Gott- 
75 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

Zentral-Bahnhof for his tickets, called, in 
German, carte blanche. Strictly speaking all 
the routes heretofore described in this little 
book fall under the supervision of the Gott 
Administration; notably the Lusitania route 
managed by Von Tirpitz under the direct su- 
pervision of Gott. We shall deal here, how- 
ever, with such routes as have not yet been 
described. 

The Zeppelin and Aeroplane Bombing 
Route (Gott I A) is really the only route by 
which the tourist may obtain a close view of 
Paris, even though it be only a bird-of- 
prey's-eye-view. The journey is almost in- 
variably undertaken by night, when women 
and children are in the habit of being asleep 
in Paris, as well as in Dover and Kent gen- 
erally. This is also the time when hospitals 
are at their quietest and results can be best 
observed. 

The 75-mile gun route (Gott X3) offers 
the tourist less satisfaction. He is deprived 
of the pleasure of personal contact with the 
76 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

inhabitants of Paris and the effects of his 
trip must be taken more for granted. Also, 
because of the height of the trajectory, there 
is a sHght tendency to nausea. 

The Peace Pigeon Parcel Post (Gott B B 
2) is to be recommended when all other 
routes are unavoidable, that is to say, when 
the railway routes we have described are 
blocked, when the 75-mile guns are sent 
back to Essen for repairs, when the Zep- 
pelins and Gothas are out of fuel, and when 
in general the communiques say that on the 
front there is nothing to report. At such 
times, while the German tourist population 
is recuperating for new victories (and new 
sacrifices) the Peace Pigeon route may prove 
useful. 

An interesting variety, just turned out by 
the Krupps, is the Tumbler Peace Pigeon 
(Gott K K 2), which appears over Paris and 
other places in the form of a Peace Dove, 
but somersaults in the air, and lets loose an 
incendiary bomb. 

77 



LITTLE JOURNEYS TOWARDS PARIS 

As to the cost of getting to Paris by way 
of Gott it is possible to frame an estimate 
only on the basis of the well-known remark, 
"Vengeance is mine, I will repay." 



?» 



CHRONOLOGY 
1914. 

August I. — Tour begins — Wilhelm's heart bleeds 
for the first time — Belgians prepare to mas- 
sacre unsuspecting German tourists. 

August 4. — Trip halted by rail trouble at Liege. 

August 5-21. — Firing squad excursions through 
Belgium. 

August 22. — Documents at Brussels confirm Wil- 
helm's suspicions that he was right all along. 

August 28. — Wilhelm wins the war, first time. 

September 5. — Wilhelm prepares to win the war 
again on the Marne. 

September 10. — Gott breaks down on the Marne 
— Excursion to the Aisne. 

September 19, — Arrival at Przemysl — Visit to 
dentist. 

November 15.— Second visit to Ypres — Contemp- 
tible little British army grows positively dis- 
gusting. 

1915. 
May I. — Wilhelm wins the war again in Galicia. 

— Bread ration cut at Berlin. 
May 7. — Gott redeems himself off Kinsale Head, 

Ireland. 
July 3. — Twenty-sixth bi-weekly aerial ascension 
by Ninety-Three Professors. 
79 



CHRONOLOGY 

Nov. lo. — Wilhelm wins war again in Servia — - 

Potato ration cut at Berlin. 
1916. 
February 21. — Departure for Verdun — Wilhelm 

wins war. 
February 25. — No accommodations at Verdun 

under new Petain management — Douaumont 

Switchback inaugurated — Krown Prince 

takes up golf. 
July I. — Beginning of Somme sweepstakes. 
October 15. — Wilhelm wins war in Rumania — 

Berlin meat rations cut. 

1917. 
January 31. — U-boat season begins — Bernstorff 

buys new typewriter. 
March 15. — Nicholas Romanoff peruses Help 

Wanted columns. 
April 6. — Blodsinnige Yankees get utterly out of 

hand and start touring on their own account. 
April 43. — Terrible anti-war insurrection in New 

York City. 
Dec. 24. — Trotzky finishes 171st paragraph and 

thirteenth stenographer. 

1918. 
iMarch 21. — Wilhelm wins war at St. Quentin. 
June — . — Wilhelm inquires at public library for 
reliable descriptive guide-book to Paris. 



80 



INDEX 

Aa (river), 234. 

Abracadabra, see German Professor. 
Apremont (forest), see Abernit. 
Architecture, Krupp, 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, etc. 

Bernstorfif, von, zu and aufwiedersehen ; see 

Papen, Boy-Ed, Albert, etc. 
Hissing, von, see Bill Sykes. 

Calais, terminus of the Ypres No Thoroughfare, 

2, 4, 6, 8, 10, etc. 
Czernin, see Was. 

Foch, see all over the place. 

Gott; see Wilhelm, Armenia, Krupp, Lusitania, 
Zeppelin, 

Hapsburg, see Perhapsburg. 

Hindenburg : 

born, 98; graduates from the Misses Jones's 
School for Girls, 121 ; publishes volume 
of sonnets in free verse, 432; settles in 
Greenwich Village, 433; removes to 
Przsazsxnyzs, 453; vacation on Somme, 
543; reduces weight by tree-chopping. 



INDEX 

545 ; predicts victory in letter to Inter- 
national Federation of Wurst Fabrica- 
tors, 654; idem to Amalgamated Dress- 
makers' Alumnae of Charlottenburg, 
675 ; sells superfluous stock of iron nails 
to Vulcan Shipyards, 1865; takes up 
miniature painting, 4325. 

Joffre, see Moltke's Disease. 

Krown Prince: 

captures Verdun, 478; clock, vase and bath- 
tub collection, 13; heart-to-heart talk 
with father, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, etc.; congratu- 
lates Liebknecht, 897; enters Paris, 8965. 

Ludendorfif : 

predicts ends of war in 1918, page 156; by 
end of 1919, 543; end of 1920, 876; end 
of 1943, page 976; wins Vossische Zei- 
tung beauty contest, 198; expresses ad- 
miration for Krown Prince, 1133; re- 
ceives degree of Doctor of Humanities 
from University of Louvain, 839. 

Mame (river), see Union Terminal. 

Paris : 

Louvre, 838 ; Invalides, 976 ; Notre Dame, see 
Krupp; Moulin Rouge, 1097; Paquin's, 
see Fifth Avenue; Eiffel Tower, 1187; 

82 



INDEX 

see also English and French books on 
the subject by eye-witnesses. 

Pershing, John J. 

born in Alissouri, 187; dimensions of lower 
jaw, 196; of nose, 197; color of eyes, 198; 
mustache, 199; moves to a farm north- 
west of Toul, 201 ; pays off old Lafay- 
ette debt, passim. 

Tirpitz, see Good Gray Pirate. 

Trotzky : 

annexes Brandenburg and Bavaria, 784; 
joins Y. M. C. A., 876; brings tears to 
eyes of Ludendorff, 253; recommends 
Blump's cough drops for hoarse throat, 
2, 4, 6, etc.; annexes Berlin and Ham- 
burg, 850; exhausts Russian vocabulary, 
2, 4, 6, 8, etc. ; annexes Vienna and 
Constantinople, 537; gets seat on Bronx 
express, 5678. 

Verdun : 

receives Krown Prince with open arms, 478 ; 
captured from the east, 765; captured 
from the west, 908 ; captured from north, 
1 109; captured from south, 1235; dream- 
picture by Krown Prince, see Cubist. 

Wilhelm, Emperor and King: 

favorite recreation, huntin_g, 109; favorite 
hero, Hunyadi, 187; favorite hymn. Old 

83 



INDEX 

Hundred, 298; favorite secret society, 
Hunchakists, 654; favorite motto, 
"Hunni soit qui mal y pense," 987; fav- 
orite musical piece, Hungarian Rape- 
sody, 1016; favorite city Hunnolulu, 
1246; favorite fur, huntrimmed ermine, 
191 1, • favorite companion, hunspeak- 
able Turk, 2007; favorite architecture, 
Gothic Remnants, 2346. 

Wilson, Woodrow, see America. 



S4 



